YAY!!!!

Last year I had to upgrade from a size medium scrub pant to a large. It was a massive blow for me. For a few weeks I had to take a few minutes to tuck in my belly roll, eventually giving up and buying a large.  Even while pregnant with my last kid, I was still able to sport a medium so this was a pretty big blow.

However, today I went  to put on a medium, just to see, and guess what? I didn't have to physically tuck my tummy fat in !!! Woo-ooo!

New goal

I used to love running. I used to relish the feel of my muscles after pushing myself to my limit. That was until I got my bike. I love that thing. Not because it was an unknowing $500 find on Craigslist for $40, but simply because it burns more calories, you go farther, and you can go faster. Since my bike, running well, stinks. I find no pleasure whatsoever in it, with or without my ipod. As much as I like my bike I don't like the simple fact my arms do nothing. I'm stuck with really toned legs with a very flabby upper body. Sure if I focus on keeping my stomach contracted, elbows in,  I feel a very slight ache afterwords but honestly, it's nothing.


Fortunately, the people here around my age seem to be complete fitness nuts- at least in the office where I work. Every day they do the half hour powerwalk to the canyon and back, lately have been kayaking once a week and at the end of this month, they're all doing this.

Yes please! So this gives me a whopping 4 weeks to go from no running to a 10K complete with mud, obstacles and alot of crazy fun.

I have been commuting via bike every day which sounds impressive but it's only a mile if that. I haven't had fast food for almost two weeks and have been drinking loads of water.  So I'm pretty sure I can do it, if I start now. I have to do it. It looks insanely fun. How's that for motivation?

Do I REALLY have to get up?

Since my ride last week, I've been trying desperately to make a habit of waking up early in an effort to recreate my meditative ride. Unfortunately the night owl within continues to have a stronghold. However, yesterday was fairly productive and continued to bring me out of my funk.  I was able to get everyone on medicaid and during my lengthy wait at the office, I got a call from the local (only) hospital wanting an interview which put me in an I'm-going-to-wake-up-early-tomorrow-and-get-my-butt-moving mood. No excuses. 0630 rolled around... snooze. 0700... snooze.  0800... snooze. Until 0900 I woke up and realized putting my clothes at the bottom of the stairs last night was pointless. Now what? It's going to be 92 today and already it was 70.

So instead of starting the beast to drive 2 miles to the pharmacy, guess what I did? I rode. Woo hoo! Incorporated exercise into my day. And I have to say although I felt somewhat ridiculous waiting in line, already sweating like crazy, I feel pretty darn good. I just need to find better pit stick.

My dark pit of despair... and slowly bringing myself out of it

I do have a really good reason, well a few actually, as to why I haven't updated recently. The first was I thought "How cool would it be if the picture for my next post would be me running the dash in my fairy garb?" Well turns out a lovely 5X7 was only $15.00. Yeah. I don't think so.

It wasn't until Memorial Day when I received a check out coupon for $5 off that I ordered said picture, which was sent to my parents home in whose basement my family and I now reside. I saw it the first day we moved in but guess what, it's MIA. So somewhere is a kick ass picture of me in Seattle mid run in fairy garb.

Which brings me to now. The present. I'm 32-years-old, have to petition the financial aid gods to finish three semesters for my RN, currently unemployed, and live in my parents basement. I've applied for countless jobs ranging from hospice (which I would love) to Michaels (which I wouldn't). Granted it's only been two weeks on Tuesday but still. So my friends, yesterday I hit my low. A month ago my brick walls came a crumbling down and I have yet to re build them. I wish I could say I said some massive prayer and I was brought out of the dark pit I had put myself in. But I didn't.

I realized last night that I really need to be doing something. My dad, who is 78, has been getting up for the past few days to bike around town, his goal being to ride to the Shoshone falls 5+ miles away. So what's my excuse? Yeah I've been tooling around with my kids, even taught my boy to ride without training wheels but was I really pushing myself? Where is my stress-relief? Last time I was unemployed, I became obsessed with painting and finished a good one. But have you ever tried to paint in 90+ degree heat with acrylics? Yeah.

So my friends, this morning I got my arse out of bed nice and early before kids were awake, strapped on my helmet, and rode off.  I can't tell you the exact mileage in which I rode, but I did the whole go in one direction for a certain amount of time (which would be here-2 miles from the falls) then turn around.

On the way back, I also found the house we'll be moving in next week (complete with acreage)...

Instead of heading back the way I came-where's the fun in that? I decided to go towards the canyon and passed the temple on the way. It still boggles my mind this town is so small and we have our own temple. (I wont bother telling you how many BYU and BYU-I bumper stickers I see on a daily basis.)  But it was a beautiful sight on my ride.

Newer addition to the canyon I fully intend to yarn bomb soon. Perhaps matching bikini tops?

Tempting... but not this time.

So in an hour of meditative pedaling, I've come to realize a few things to avoid the nasty  dark pit of despair I was in yesterday.

1. Do something active for myself every morning. Not just mindless pedaling around with the kids but pushing myself by myself.

2. Focus on my family. Do something really active with them every day. This should be easy as it's pretty much what we've been doing but my heart hasn't been in it. But now, it's a three day weekend. Time out from massive job hunting till Tuesday. I've been pushing them away quite a bit as my number one goal has been finding a job.

3. Do something creative. There's a story that's again calling to me and I'm not going to let the fact it takes 10 minutes for my laptop to start up be my excuse for putting it on the back burner anymore. 

Ultimately, I feel much better now than I did yesterday. I'm going to walk away from that nasty pit and just move forward for now. 

Thou Shalt Not Run on Sunday, Jack Mormons, and St Patricks Day garland.

As of this past Sunday, I did week one of the couch to 5K plan and I'm proud of myself. Although I ultimately didn't run on the days I wanted to, evenly spaced out and such, I "ran" three times nonetheless.  Proof that no matter how crazy life can become, you can fit 20 minutes in. I was able to rely on the healthy escape that is running when stress became to much this week, which I'm especially proud of.

When I was a teenager, I used drugs and alcohol for an easy escape from my life. I could lie and say I had a horrible family life as a teenager, was abused in some way or another. But it wasn't, and I wasn't. I can honestly say, I was just bored. Regardless, the patterns I developed and the habits I formed stuck with me for quite sometime. Although I turned to spirituality after my oldest was born and stayed sober for a very long time, the temptation for an easy escape from circumstances out of my control became too great. Did I ever go on benders? No. Did I sell my kids off or some priceless heirloom? Never. I can honestly say I've grown up greatly in that respect and have been responsible. However, bottom line, I turned to physically and spiritually unhealthy means of dealing with life when it seemed to be out of control.

It's been awhile since I've acted on such a need to escape but Sunday morning, after a very long Saturday night, I needed an escape more than ever so I ran. Some may say I'm being a complete Jack Mormon but honestly, number one, although hilarious to some I find that term very offensive. Number two, I only practice what I preach which is unlike many others who don't -generally speaking. Yes I could have persevered  to get all three children ready (I had to work that night-so hubby had to sleep,) bag packed, to make it to morning church, but I needed to escape. So I ran.  I needed to feel those endorphins cursing through my blood and felt so much better afterwards. I feel I'm a better person and mom for recognizing those times of need and acting on them in a more positive, healthy way which has become so much easier for me, something which I know my Father can understand.

Generally while I'm "running" I find myself unable to think of what's going on in my life and let my thoughts wander with whatever is pumping through my ipod. When Drunken Lullabys (haha) came on, I couldn't help but think about what my St Patty's Day fun run garb will look like. Yesterday I had to go to my local dollar store for a couple things and found this

 So far, I'll have the multi-layered tule skirt with sequined belt and I'll buy this garland to make a crown of sorts. Not sure what to do with my hair, I think a red (ginger) wig would be awesome, but I think for sure a pair of fairy wings, green argyle knee socks, and to give my dusty Brooks a good send off, I may spray paint them green. Am I going overboard? After seeing pictures from the last dash, I think not.

Aw yeah...

For the first time in ten years I was recently childless for a few days. I envisioned myself rising with the sun every day to  lace up my dusty Brooks for good jog, or at the very least a fast walk. Day one I did just that... almost. I had no excuses. I didn't have to stay up late for much needed me time, I wasn't exhausted chasing after children... I stepped outside only to find out what 20 something degrees feels like and stepped right back into the toasty near 70 deg house I was staying in. I know... I'm a complete wuss when it comes to the cold, something for sure I will have to get used to by next year no doubt. Aside from the odd errands that took a total of 3 hours over three days, I did absolutely nothing, and it felt awesome.

I am happy to report that I write now after just returning from a very brisk walk. I would say jog but who am I kidding. I'm starting slow. Baby steps. My cousin reminded me today of this couch to 5K article she had from awhile back. Just 20 minutes a day, three days a week and all you need is a decent pair of running shoes (and a good bra). Although I didn't do the complete 90/60 intervals (my watch isn't night friendly), I did speedwalk it (another benefit of going at night-no worries of what you look like) for five minutes then alternated 90 secs of jogging and two minutes of speed dorkiness, to finish the last block at an easy pace. And let me tell you, I feel awesome. I feel as though a friend long gone has turned up again in the way my quads and upper arms feel.   But of course my inner overachiever is telling me it's not enough.

Today a St Pattys Day Dash advertisement caught my eye only because one of the beneficiaries of the event is the Seattle Childrens Autism Clinic.  Having been personally on their 9 to 12 month wait list for my daughter, they do need funds to extend services and hire more health professionals.  In every book on ASD I've read so far, it is repeated over and over that early intervention is key for a good prognosis in developing communicative and sensory integration skills.  I assume that it's a half marathon but click anyway. Come to find out, it's only 4 miles. If I continue to do this 5 K training thing consistently, by February 21st, I'm going to register. If not, I wont beat myself up about it too much. But if I can, I'm going to find the most ridiculous green garb to wear (I'm thinking a 12 layer green tule tutu with sequins), perhaps get my other children to do the Leprechaun lap,  and maybe even print up a shirt with my daughters image on it for all of us.

Size 16 no more:)

I'll admit, I've been lax with my new fitness regime. Honestly though, it's been crazy. However, I have been doing little things like, downsizing Mt Dew (not a drop today, thank you very much), resisting the call of curly fries, and drinking more water.  I have yet to actually set aside time (haha) to get my heart pumping. In fact the only exercise I've been getting is completely gutting out my house. The realtor is coming this week to take pictures and I'm sure you can only imagine how much... stuff has accumulated within the confines and backyard of our house in ten years with four to six kids. I am happy to report that my garage has never been so clean (six forty-five gallon garbage bags later) and as soon as I hit "publish post", I'm going to get down with my buddy, Rodney Yee. But on to my good news, today when I put on my size sixteens (AKA fat pants) they weren't as snug as they usually are.  YAY!!! Progress with little effort. As tempted as I am to jump on the scale, I'm resisting the urge. I will not become obsessed with numbers, aside from the ones on my pants. I'm only working one day this week and my focus will be to get in my thirty minute workouts.

Cruddiest weekend in a long time

Ready for take two of my get healthy journey, I was on my way to work Friday when a completely unexpected blow came.  As I was driving over an overpass about to turn left, on my right I saw a young man facing the street but on the other side of the overpass railing, above the freeway below.  I slowed down a bit to make sure I was seeing what I was seeing but couldn't stop as slowing down caused the jerk behind me to speed up, ensuring I couldn't go too slow.  This young man didn't look upset he simply looked like he was playing on a big toy at the park which made me thing he was special needs. I called 911 as I turned left to go to work, described what he was wearing what I thought and specifically where he was and hung up. Moments later when I got to work, I heard the distant wails of fire engines, stopped for a moment but went into my building as I was running late.

Soon I heard people talking about some accident on the freeway and traffic being horrible.  I found out there was a fatality.  The boy fell and died. The same boy I saw moments before the accident while cars were zooming passed and a pedestrian was walking by... Being a nurse I'm sure you can imagine there are few things that can rip my emotional brick walls down. That did.  My bosses took me into their office and let me "get it out." They said things like, "There was nothing you can do." "Imagine if you did get to him and he fell in front of you." It's not that that bothered me. It was the simple fact that there was a young man, standing on the other side of the freeway overpass and no cars were stopped. The headlines read "Freeways open up after 3 hour delay" with no hint that it was a 14-year-old boy until the last paragraph. Even two days later, no mention is made of his family. Yesterday on my way to work, I took a different freeway exit but felt incredibly nauseous when I drove under that overpass.

My reason for writing this is I need to let it go. I need to accept the fact that I may never know who this young man was, what drove him to climb to where he was, and whether or not he was special needs. His expression, that same "in my own world" expression that quite often on my own daughters face will forever be in my mind somewhere.

At work I was able to rebuild my walls, finish my shift (quite a blur it was), and have a good breakdown later.  But fortunately that same day, a supervisor was leaving and there was an impromtu potluck. This was my first plate.

A multi-ethnic smorgasbord of epic proportions. I had two plates like this, some tiramisu, and copious amounts of mt dew. It's amazing how much food can make you feel better, albeit temporarily. So, tomorrow, again,  I will restart my goals.  That's what's great about life, there's always a reset button.

"Mom I want a doughnut"

I'm beginning to think the doughnut obsession runs in my genes. After dropping the girls of at school I ask my son what he want's to do to which he replies, "I want a doughnut!" Sigh... So remembering the Epic Fail from yesterday I take him to get a Mighty O. If you have no idea what that is well my friend let me enlighten you.

Mighty O is a vegan doughnut shop. (Yes, I said the V word.) Although the actual Mighty O doughnut mecca in Greenlake is quite a ways away during AM traffic, I take him to our local, overpriced, I-can't-wait-'till-I'm-rich-enough-to-shop-here organic store to get a Mighty O.  Let me explain something about these beauties-my favorite in particular. It's like having your own personal round bit of moist chocolate cake, but dense enough so you don't get crumbs all over covered in a tangy raspberry glaze. I was envisioning devouring each morsel by the time I got from the self-checkout to the beast. But alas, fate can be cruel and there were no chocolate raspberry doughnuts but only cocoanut chocolate or chocolate glazed. Feeling dejected, I followed my sons example and snagged the chocolate squared piece of heaven.

So that along with a large diet coke light ice from McD's was my breakfast. I had every intention of eating a high protein fiber breakfast but I kinda hoarked out on leftover roasted potatoes and cow roast last night at 0100 since I didn't get home till 2330 and Campbells soup just doesn't tie this girl over. It is now 2216 and I am happy to report I haven't had one drop of Mt Dew, AND I biked 4 minutes (okay 2 minutes but it was uphill) to my neighbors to try and figure out our Girl Scout troop finances. And yes, we are selling cookies.

Epic Fail

Yesterday I was looking forward to something all week. It didn't happen and was put off for who knows how long. So what did I do? Run off to Safeway and bought one of these beauties...

I'm salivating just looking at the box. Sadly this was not my actual box, I only bought a bismark.  If you have no clue what that is, then shame on you. It's the perfect blend of doughnut, gooey cream filling, all topped off with a lovely chocolate glaze. (insert Homer soundbite here.) And to top it off, I bought my regular sized Mt. Dew (thank you very much) and a $2 lotto ticket-still didn't win. Regardless, I was riding my sugary high with no regret or thought about the new lifestyle of health and fitness that I wanted to embark on. Then, after about an hour... it was over.

Having every intent of doing a half hour of yoga or at the very least walk the dog that night, I did neither and now the morning after am feeling horrible.  I unintentionally skipped breakfast (woke up very late) only to find we were completely out of milk and ran of to rectify the situation. I did however buy bottled water (yuk) instead of my coveted Mt Dew and fully intend on packing a lunch for work instead of relying on the mecca that is Jack in the Box, and may I have enough energy and motivation to at least walk my now overweight dog when I get home.

The Gem State killed my bike

Not wanting this mornings posts to go to waste I dusted off my helmet, layered up, tucked one leg into my futbol socks, go to pull my bike down from the garage only to find... a flat.  Irritation immediately sets in. After closer inspection I discover a bur-like thing stuck between two treads of the back tire.  Sigh.

Back in August, I invested in a bike rack for the beast so we could take advantage of the completely FLAT terrain of South Central Idaho. As fun as it was never to shift gears or do the butt-in-the-air pump, it came with a price. Five, yes FIVE flat tires on 3 different bikes. The girls had them in both front and back tires which was understandable as they were riding in the dirt field across from my parents house. But me? All I did was get up early and ride along the Snake River Canyon (which is pretty flippin' cool if you get the chance-cow smell aside and all). Needless to say I am now an experienced tube changer.

But hey, now I am really experienced and feel much better that I forced myself to get out for a whopping 45 minutes no less. For the record, the only Mt. Dew I've had today was the smallest fountain size (it was much harder to get than I expected) and I've actually had a couple glasses of water which for me is a milestone, albeit a small one.

The picture that started it all

is this one...

See that? I really don't have two sets of boobs. Yes I realize I'm slouched over in attempt to get closer with my dear friend who posted this as her facebook profile pic.  I'll admit at first I thought "WTF are you thinking!!!" But then, knowing her, she just saw two friends at Christmas time who both recently had the blessing of glasses added to their accessories list. So I left a comment about how smart we both look and left it as that. I hope in reading this she doesn't think I'm bashing her choice of photo in anyway, I'm actually thanking her for the motivation to try and make time and get rid of my second set of boobs which also happen to wrap around my back.

Another one?

Yes another one.  I've had so many blogs in the past. One for personal, one for rants, one for vegan recipes (only 2 posts- record number there), and yes even one for weight loss. My intent was to have weekly weigh ins, calculate calories, record what I ate etc but lets face it. I'm too busy for all that. I'm a working nurse with four children, the youngest who is special needs, and in the process of relocating to another state to boot. When I say I'm busy, I'm actually busy. My downtime consists of 10 minutes to check out facebook before I pass out when I get home from work around midnight only to get up at 0700 the next morning to get my middle schooler off to school. If I don't work, I'm having a very reluctant affair with something named dirty laundry.

I hope you wont misconstrue what I'm saying as an I-wish-I-had-no-kids-so-I-had-all-the-time-in-the-world-to-work-out rant. No. I've never been a workoutaholic. I played sports as a teenager, I didn't have a car and bussed/walked it all over Seattle in my late teens/early twenties, and now... well, now I'm in my early thirties and an appetite for the finer, sweeter, greasier, things of life is quickly overpowering my metabolism, not-to-mention, my lack of free time doesn't help. I hope to convey the message of "If she can get healthier, I can."

I'm going to be realistic. I'm not going to starve myself in a futile attempt to get back to the 130 I was in high school.  In fact, I'm not even going to weigh myself. I hate weighing myself. I'm going to try and find an approach that's reachable and that wont drive me crazy. Food has become my addiction. No one can deny the instant gratification I find, ripping my teeth into a still hot loaf of French bread on the way home from the store or the  unique blend of greasy curly fries and ranch dressing. If you're familiar at all with narcotics anonymous you'll know the saying "One Day At A Time" which is what I'll have to do, take it all one day at a time.